Jokes and funny qoutes

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together of course.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!!

Jokes and funny quotes

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you...
It's only when u leave her a virgin.

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when mating.
Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!

Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u?
To see if u really mean it!

Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have to do it again.

Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!

This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!

The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.

What's the difference between a bomb and a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.

Career options for superhero...

Some career options that superheroes can consider when they retire from saving the world.....

Women as explined by engineers

Got this in an email from a friend. Very funny but then very true also.

Enjoy.....

PART 1

PART 2

PART 3

PART 4



PART 5

Joke of the day...

At the discussion session for upgrade of Defense Ministry helicopters' project tender.

Najis: Your bid is 3 million. How do you justify your tender sum?

Stupid tenderer: 1 million for labour, 1 million for materials and 1 million for expenses and a little profit.

Najis: Ok. Thank you. Next!

Next tenderer walks in and takes a seat.....

Najis: Your bid is 6 million. How do you justify your tender sum?

Wasting their time tenderer: 2 million for labour, 2 million for materials and 2 million for expenses and a little profit.

Najis: Ok. Thank you. Next!

3rd tenderer walks in and takes a seat.....

Najis: Your bid is 9 million. This is way above everyone else. How do you justify your tender sum?

Smart tenderer: 3 million for YOU, 3 million for ME, and we get the stupid 1st Tenderer to do it for 3 million.

Najis: Muahaha!!! You got the job.....

Najis: .....it's all mine, MINE!!! Woohoo!!!

Divorce, custody and Pepsi Cola

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: 'Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?'

Don't laugh, he won!