Jokes and funny qoutes

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together of course.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!!

Jokes and funny quotes

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you...
It's only when u leave her a virgin.

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when mating.
Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!

Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u?
To see if u really mean it!

Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have to do it again.

Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!

This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!

The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.

What's the difference between a bomb and a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.

Career options for superhero...

Some career options that superheroes can consider when they retire from saving the world.....

M.A.H.A.T.H.I.R

Funny joke about Dr. Mahathir name and the acronymn it can stand for...Hahaha!!! Just a harmless joke and hope it doesn't pisses him off. Read and enjoy...

When Dr. Mahathir was Prime Minister of Malaysia - One lousy day in the middle of the economic crisis, PM Mahathir was feeling extremely frustrated and wondering how a neighboring country can be doing better than Malaysia.

One of his aides said, I heard that the leaders consult Feng Shui masters to ensure prosperity for the country.

Dr Mahathir thought if that was the case, Malaysia Bomoh also can, and went to seek the top bomoh's advice in the country.

After reviewing the case, the bomoh told Dr M that there were 2 things that he must do:

Bomoh: Step 1. You must blame the crisis on SOROS for everything.

Dr M: But Why?

Bomoh: Because SOROS stands for 'Speculate On Ringgit Or Stocks'. You must blame him, and look at ways to control the ringgit and stock market.

Bomoh: Step 2 - You must get rid of ANWAR.

Dr M: What! why him?

Bomoh: Because ANWAR stands for 'A Nation Without Any Ringgit'.

Dr M: But how? This is most difficult to do, he is popular with the people.

Bomoh: Aiyoh, you bodoh lah! Look at your name, MAHATHIR. Make Anwar Homosexual And Then Highlight It Repeatedly.

This one lagi best. The latest according to the trend.

Subject:M.A.H.A.T.H.I.R This is a new acronymn... stands for:

M -Must
A -Always
H -Hantam
A -Abdullah
T -Till
H -He
I -Is
R -Removed

Boot at the Bush

During a speech in Iraq, US president George W. Bush had a pair of size 10 boots thrown at him from a disgusted Iraqi journalist. Lucky for the old fart he still had some decent reflexes or else he might embarrassingly get a boot in the face.

The ever so proud Secret Service agents who are train to step in the line of fire and take a bullet for the president did not react fast enough to stop the boots reaching the podium Bush was at. Guess their excuse would be they were train to stop bullets from hitting the president, not boots.....

STRESS!!!

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate.

Read the full description before looking at the picture. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it.

It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital, London. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water.

The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.

The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you need to go on holiday.....

No need to Reply, I'll be on holiday.

Never take life seriously.

Nobody gets out alive anyway!

Logos that just didn't come out right

The logo designer should be taken out and shot...Hahaha!!!

Women as explined by engineers

Got this in an email from a friend. Very funny but then very true also.

Enjoy.....

PART 1

PART 2

PART 3

PART 4



PART 5

Joke of the day...

At the discussion session for upgrade of Defense Ministry helicopters' project tender.

Najis: Your bid is 3 million. How do you justify your tender sum?

Stupid tenderer: 1 million for labour, 1 million for materials and 1 million for expenses and a little profit.

Najis: Ok. Thank you. Next!

Next tenderer walks in and takes a seat.....

Najis: Your bid is 6 million. How do you justify your tender sum?

Wasting their time tenderer: 2 million for labour, 2 million for materials and 2 million for expenses and a little profit.

Najis: Ok. Thank you. Next!

3rd tenderer walks in and takes a seat.....

Najis: Your bid is 9 million. This is way above everyone else. How do you justify your tender sum?

Smart tenderer: 3 million for YOU, 3 million for ME, and we get the stupid 1st Tenderer to do it for 3 million.

Najis: Muahaha!!! You got the job.....

Najis: .....it's all mine, MINE!!! Woohoo!!!

Phases of the normal employee...

New employee You are listening to Stevie Wonder(It's your first day at work and all is fine and great)

After 3 months...

You are listening to HOUSE music (because you are so busy that you're not sure if you're coming or going)

After 6 months... You are listening to Heavy Metal (your days start at 0800 and end at 2000)

After 9 months... You are listening to Hip Hop (You become fat due to stress and now you suffer from constipation)

After a year...

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP (Your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you fall out of bed and live on caffeine!!)

And finally, after a second year...

You are listening to Techno and have gone a bit... well... crazy!

Divorce, custody and Pepsi Cola

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: 'Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?'

Don't laugh, he won!